hearing the news...

Saturday morning I was walking Guapo around North Beach while Tom browsed a cool architectural-bookstore he loves there.

As I we walked up the block, a beautiful woman leaned her head out the window of a parked car, and commented on what a cute dog I had.

I stopped to thank her, and noticed she was crying quietly.

"Are you ok?" I asked. (She was probably in her late 50s, early 60s? With long, thick gray hair, and just looked so beautiful I could hardly stand my own skin.)

"I just heard the news," she said.

I knew immediately. "Paul Newman," I said.

I had heard about his death earlier that morning, and that kind of thing always hits me, those old movie stars I have loved, grown up watching, swooned over to this day, despite not being quite of that age.

I was so sad about it, as always; yet, as always, Tom made fun, then grows a bit irritated, "everybody dies", he says... "he was old"... "you didn't know him"...

I commiserated with this woman and we talked about some of his older movies... She talked about his being a 'true gentlemen', about his charity work, his wife...

I said "I am so glad to talk to you." She smiled and said she felt better too, and could drive to her appointment now.

I know there was a lot of other news going on, very important news!! But it was a small, private moment I will remember always.

crazies galore, hooray

I have been feeling so lousy that I haven't posted all week. After the Travel section went up, I was then put on a huge push for a Food-section redesign... I hope to catch-up this weekend.

(I have been complaining a lot here, haven't I, about work deadlines/pressure, and much more... I am so sorry. It is as tiresome to write about as it is to read, I am sure.)

Tom & I have Date-Night tonight, and then play on visiting a couple beaches tomorrow, and then walking around the Marina later en route to a nice little Italian sub-shop for lunch. (Accompanied by El Guapo, of course.)

I cannot wait for a couple days off!! (Plus, only a couple weeks till my Boston trip!! Yay!)

Something happened at our session a couple weeks ago that I have been to embarrassed to write about, but it is just making me feel so awful or something, I don't know how to describe, not 'ashamed', actually, but something... I guess I just feel like I wish I was a different person, that I had done things differently in my life, that I wish I wasn't like myself, that I was different....

I normally have been (gratefully) coasting by these things with Tom lately, as they were cut back to just once-a-month (thank goodness), and they had been going well, so he had figured it was ok. I just let them go on and I try to make things as smooth as possible.

So I will not ever know the reason I just sort of collapsed emotionally at the last one, I just went on about how I am just 'jumping out of my skin' all day, how I want to cry all the time, how I have these anxiety & panic attacks where I am rendered almost immobile... I mean it is a bit more complicated, but that's the jist of it...

And god tell me why I even brought it up? Why. Perhaps something bad happened that day/week...? I don't know. So I started talking about it & tearing, and couldn't stop.

I mean I didn't go on & on or anything, but I said enough that the therapist said she really wanted me to try some medication... She'd brought it up before, but stopped because I have been so adamant.

I have said to them I do not want ever to happen to me again what happened before, I would rather die that feel that way again -- what that doctor put me on, even she had agreed he probably should be put out of practice... that's what probably helped put me over the edge and result in all that stuff which I won't go into describing again, you don't want to hear it.

So anyway, she said again, could she call my primary care physician and talk about something different, just to help with the panic-attacks. I have never been on Xa__x, but I guess it has to be different than what that combination of P__l etc. was before, right?

I mean, things are not in my control now, I had to make an appt. with the doctor to get the presc. next Wednesday after work, I am just paralyzed at the thought of talking to someone else now about it all, I could just die, I feel like such a weirdo.

So I have that to look forward to next week, and then meeting her with Tom again on Thursday.

God, I am rambling. Hope you all have a good weekend. xoxoxo

saturday stewing

Just sitting here watching the telly, having some Saturday morning R&R.

Tom went out to brunch with two friends he used to work with... I was invited but I just didn't feel in the mood, so I told him to say I had work to do. I know that is stupid. But the last couple times I've gone with them, all they did was talk about their old company, and its gossip, and their jobs, and I couldn't get a word in edgewise.

I did try though, I tried to make conversation and it was good too. And I tried to ask about them and show lots of interest, but they would just start talking about something else, talking over me sometimes... They didn't ask me anything at all, or seem to be interested at all in my presence. I guess Tom didn't notice, though it kind of bugged/hurt me that he didn't.

Sometimes he is so different around other people, especially those he knows outside of me, that we don't know mutually. Often I find myself sort of disliking him a bit during those times... he seems so loud and almost mean-spirited or something when they talk, I don't know how to explain it, and like he isn't really with me, like he doesn't really know me, or something... Can't explain. Like he's not talking to me directly, even when he does say something to me. Maybe I am overreacting or imagining. I don't know.

SO. Anyway, after he left, I took Guapo out for a walk then had breakfast with a book (at a place where we could sit outside). I haven't gone to eat by myself for a long time (I mean a meal like that, not just a coffee-shop or something). I used to do it all the time.

Now back at home, I feel a bit lonely. And bored. But desperate too... like there is something I should be doing... cleaning? vacuuming? laundry? dusting? improving myself somehow?... I have been a bit down in the dumps over the past week, and feeling like Tom is so far away from me, like we are so far apart, even when we are together. I feel so anxious... Probably should not be stewing here by myself. But he'll be home soon, says we will go to a movie & dinner later, so that should be fun.

what's next...?!

I am trying to do better at posting... I need to figure out how you do it, JL -- I mean, I want to write about daily events/activities, but mine are not as exciting as yours! I feel like my stuff is so boring, and no one would want to read about it.

Granted, the past couple weeks have been tough, with being out of town and now this project... But the deadline is tomorrow, so things should be better at work after that (for a while anyway!).

So! Though it is not so interesting, here are some of the more notable quotes from the past few days:

• "So are you -- and I'm not talking about your mind." (Tom, in response to my statement that 'These lightbulbs are too bright!'.)


• "Almost everything you say could be the title of a children's book." (Tom, in response to my narration of 'Guapo goes to the beach!', 'Guapo goes to Mendocino!', 'Gaupo gets a big-boy-bed!')


• "Well I'm getting a haircut tonight, and that hardly ever turns out well." (In response to a seasoned-writer in the elevator, who remarked: "The stock-market is down the tubes! The economy sucks!! What will be next!?")


• "After 37-years, you'd think a couple of old whores like us could finally get some sleep!!" (A girlfriend, in an IM-convo regarding how tired we are this week.)

To-Do-List #1

Do you think it will ever be possible that I can ever, in my entire life, EVER, stick up for myself and/or at least speak my mind?

I think the answer is very clear: Only in my imagination.

My imaginatory To-Do-List: Throw plate, flower-pot, pan, glass &/or fork (what would make best point?) against the wall.

I want to SHATTER something!!! I want to throw something, possibly with a loud, substantiated scream &/or shout. (I wish I could wear something filmy, slitted-up to top-thigh, while doing so...but I am, unfortunately, not built that prettily.)

I want to do things like that, yet still have someone love me anyway. (And love me even more for it!! That is the point.)

But, unfortunately again, I am not that charismatic. Nor that worthy. So -- it remains in my imagination.

Alas. Anyway, I hope you all have a fabulous weekend. I am looking forward to catching up on all of you with some free time finally!!!

And to spend some time with the G-Po. This deadline is killing me.

xoxoox love!

awe-some

UGH I am so glad to be home. I don't mean to generalize, I am not saying this applies to everyone, but I often find it more stifling to be in opposite (i.e. 'right-wing') territory than they are... I mean, in my camp, we seem to welcome discussion much more openly, and have respect for others' opinions, and want to hear them talk, want to talk with them reasonably, logically, intelligently...

But this weekend, I knew I had to keep my mouth shut. There is no talking to others safely when you are the only one in the category of "liberal, democrat, feminist, pro-choice, pro-gay-marriage, pro-gun-control, pro-sex-education, pro-sex-education, believe in evolution, etc etc"... and, to top it all off, a vegetarian. And from San Francisco.

There was no refuge. So I am a bit crazy this week, with this deadline and all... I wish it was over.

There was this girl there though, the daughter of one of my cousins -- it was his father that died. (Guess that makes her my cousin-twice-removed or something?) I saw her briefly when younger, and then at my grandma's funeral a few years ago... But not often.

She's 15 years-old, tall & gangly in a healthy, countryish-way -- with long blonde hair, the smoothest skin, and huge, silver chunks of braces on her teeth.

She has that non-shy, very intelligent way of looking at you that some young girls have, directly into your eyes as you are talking, studying you, no qualms at all. I caught her looking at me a few times -- figured she was checking out that weird lady (second-cousin or whatever) with weird hair & clothes, makeup, probably looking a bit uptight/anxious...

How different I was at her age, how different we are now.

At one point, after having been outside planting some flowers from the funeral, she ran a hand which was completely caked with wet mud up through her hair! Combing it back with dirt-caked fingers... It was a quick, completely un-self-conscious movement, just like herself... I was in complete awe of that one small action... she will never know.

But she asked me to play Scrabble much of the time, and talked to me extensively about books and movies... And then she wanted to exchange e-mail addresses -- I've already gotten three e-mails from her!

home again!

UGH I am so glad to be home. I don't mean to generalize, but I find it more dangerous to be in opposite territory than they are... I mean, in my camp anyway, we seem to welcome discussion, and have respect for others' opinions, and want to hear them, talk... and we argue respectfully, and have the least bit of freakin' intelligence/logic/rationale (ok, that last was a bit much, sorry)....

But this weekend, I knew I had to keep my mouth shut. There is no talking to others safely when you are the only one in the category of "liberal, democrat, feminist, pro-choice, pro-gay-marriage, pro-gun-control, pro-sex-education, pro-evolution-education, pro-contraceptive-education, etc etc"... and, to top it all off, a freakin' vegetarian. They do not have any sort of any kind of reasonable, logical discussion.

There is no refuge. So I am a bit crazy now and want to comment inappropriately on every sideburn I see.

Just kidding.

Well, not really. I want to -- but I won't. I just have tons more to say, but will tomorrow.

my poor mom

Monday night, after getting home & posting here, I plugged my cellphone in to re-charge. And once it had, I found numerous messages from my brother...

Turns out my uncle (my mom's brother) had died on Saturday morning (heart attack, he was incredibly overweight), and my brother had been trying to call us... But neither Tom nor my cellphone would get reception in Mendocino, so we turned them off!! I can't believe it. Maybe I should have tried more? But I tried a couple times, and I finally just turned it off...

So my parents were driving back to their home in Portland on Monday, and we had no idea where they were staying along the way (they hadn't made reservations in case they felt they wanted to drive right through).

We tried calling all the hotels we could find along that route but to no avail. I felt so bad.

Yesterday at work I tried calling my parents' home about every 20-30 minutes or so, trying to catch them -- and successfully did catch my dad (thank god he answered) about 11:30 right as he was walking in the door. I was able to tell him so he could tell my mom himself (before she heard all their own inevitable voicemails).

So I decided to fly out now tomorrow morning as the funeral is on Friday. My parents said I don't have to, and I wasn't particularly close to my uncle -- but I want to be there for my mom... She just lost her mother a while back you probably remember, so I am going for her... She said once how much she had needed me there, and I never forgot that.

Maybe I don't have to, but I would always feel bad about it if I didn't, you know? She seems so sad, and I have done so badly by her over the years, I have to go.

So I am flying out tomorrow a.m. and returning Sunday. UGH. It is such bad timing with a deadline here at work, and I was just away over last weekend...

But my boss seemed pretty nice about it. Still felt SO awkward asking... I mean, it was an 'uncle', not a person on the official 'bereavement' list... I even felt awkward asking Tom; it was all very uncomfortable to me for some reason.

And I am not looking forward to hitting another 'traditional' funeral (the whole viewing, burial, church & all, the whole shebang!!) -- in Plymouth, INDIANA, of all places... where every kitchen has a calendar featuring GWB in numerous poses... (I don't mean to generalize, but all my extended mom's family there is like that, if you can believe it.) And where I am looked at as a type of witchcraft-devil-evilness for being both vegetarian and from San Francisco... God, if they only knew the rest! (Tom has advised, rightly so, that I keep my mouth shut at all times & just get through it.)

And I also have to stay with my brother (who lives in the same town, weird & a long story), and his wife. Now, my brother is cool, but my sister-&-law and I get along only in the most civil and cold manner (she is another long story).

I think it is very selfish to complain; I am going for my mom after all... And my poor aunt, losing her husband -- I mean, how terribly sad. But I am not looking forward to it.

Tom is being very nice about it, but I know he feels weird too about my going away (we haven't spent any nights apart since I left the other time for my grandma's funeral!) He was already feeling weird I am going away in October to visit Robin.

And of course, I am going to miss my beloved Guapo. What if he forgets about me?

Anyway, I will catch-up with you all after I get back Sunday night. OH GOD, help, I can't wait for this to be over. xoxoxo

coastal fun

We had such a nice time in Mendocino!! I wish I could have stayed even longer. It was so beautiful there, and our little inn was so cute. The weather was amazing. I even survived the parentals...

Survived my mom sneaking refills at every coffee-shop on the street, pretending her to-go cup was from each different on(when in fact she had actually saved the cup the previous morning)... Survived the embarrassment as she loudly pointed out smokers on opposite-sidewalks, "THERE'S the smoker, THAT'S where the smoke is coming from"... Survived her even louder examinations of every bite of food my father (and I) took, "You don't need to eat that, you had a grape three days ago!" and "I wouldn't put all that cream and butter into my stomach"...

And I even survived Tom's sneaking away around buildings to pretend he wasn't with us.

But they were all very sweet and we had a nice time together. My dad really got along with Guapo, which was so cute.

I hope you all had a fun weekend too! Later my lovelies...