indescribable times
Not sure how to describe my mood lately... Seem to be just floating through the motions.
Had a great weekend, went for a drive up the coast, took a long walk through the marina right up to the base of the GG bridge. Beautiful weather! Beautiful to be by the water, I just love that.
Did some volunteer work at the Women's Bldg. on Sunday in the fundraising dept, just some data-entry and envelope-stuffing. But they really need the help and I love feeling needed.
Still no news at work (they are apparently ignoring us till the delayed print-side negotiations are fixed). But am very busy with lots of projects -- some of which have deadlines far in the future... seems like I am needed here too, so am still not sure how worried I should be.
Throughout everything, even walking down the sidewalk, I find myself looking at the ground not so much out of old shyness but because I am trying to avoid looking at people who are having 'fun'. Even glancing accidentally at groups in a restaurant window, couples shopping, people strolling nonchalantly, fills me with such burning, painful ENVY. A pain whose origins I'm not even certain of.
I just seem to be always working so hard to make everyone, even strangers, happy and worrying so much about everything I never find myself saying "I'm happy right now". I cannot seem to say, while doing something perfectly wonderful and lovely, "I'm having fun right now". I am always waiting & working for bedtime, when the makeup and clothes are off, and a few hours of nothing await me.
5 comments:
It sounds like you're in serious need of some 'me' time... Perhaps you could work out an arrangement with T. where you get to have some time to yourself where you can simply do what you want, read a book, take G. for a walk down the beach... with no interferance.
Not only do you get your 'me' time, to just be you... that might help with the whole independence, self-confidence thing that the dr. wants you to work on.
Or at least use that as a leverage to get your 'me' time from T. anyway.
::Hugs::
"I am always waiting & working for bedtime, when the makeup and clothes are off, and a few hours of nothing await me."
Sometimes there's nothing wrong with that. It's not always possbile to jump back into being happy. There has to be some kind of transition time, which might just involve some me time, like Adelnye said.
Keep going, keep moving, keep getting up in the morning. Keep writing here. I am thinking of you & hoping things get better very soon. love & kisses.
just ((hugs))
I know I say this all the time, but I wish you wouldn't be so hard on yourself. You work too hard for everyone else in your life. I want my Sugar to know how wonderful she is and that more than anything she DESERVES to be happy. Hang in there! xo
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