holding my breath

Thanks everyone. I guess this 'problem' must sound pretty stupid to most people. I know I would be the first to urge a wife on to take a trip for a special occasion too... I just feel this underlying guilt that keeps nagging, telling me to just drop it and make an excuse to my friend why I cannot go...

But then there's another voice that keeps telling me I've been doing that my whole life, and if everyone (i.e. Tom, therapists, family) keeps fucking about with me to change, well here you go people!! Let me just be! Dammit anyway.

Anyway, enough of that rant. I am scared to talk about it with him any more so I am thinking I might as well actually try to use this forced therapy thing to my advantage, in that it should be a safe place to talk about something... Though how I will bring it up without sounding selfish I do not know. (But then again, there I go again! Ugh.)

So I am holding my breath till next Thursday night, July 2nd. I will try not to think about it till then... R. hasn't called/e-mailed yet about her invitation, but I know she will soon and I want to have some integrity when I answer. I feel bad I'm not shouting in glee at her yet but I need to try and wait till Thursday.

I was called in for jury duty yesterday (criminal court this time not civil) and had to fill out a questionnaire, and I have to go back next Tuesday. But I doubt I'll be picked. (Though my work does pay.) I didn't try to get out of it or anything, but due to my answers on this paper I am pretty sure I won't be selected... I know things should be fair and I know I am a fair person, but I had to be honest when the question asked about any bias I might have in the case, which was horrific... I guess you can imagine. And I saw the defendant laughing and whispering with his lawyer while we were being talked to, and I just felt sick. I know that is wrong but I couldn't help it. And now it is burned into my brain.

Anyway, even the minor, initial details were awful to hear about and I can't believe this stuff still affects me so badly, goddammit, I wish I would not. But it does.

I thought all was well but Tom kept asking me if I was all right last night but I just didn't feel like I could, nor just feel like, talking about it... As always, I just tried to go to sleep and hope things get better today. And they will.