shitty day!!

What shitty day! I could lose my job at any moment!! Everything sucks.

And El Guapo agrees --

Here he is, starring in this action shot as... THE DEVIL!!!



Oh, he is such a love!!!

Some things I love

I LOVE...

People who smile back when you smile at them!

People who say little jokes to you for no reason, in the middle of the day

Moving bed-pillows to the couch while watching TV

Veggie-burgers

The kindness of strangers

Kissing on the couch

Making quick-love in inopportune places

Silly/small causes for celebration

Sideburns

Any music from the 20's to 40's

NPR

Arriving somewhere early/before anyone else

Shopping lists

Thigh-high stockings

Fishnet stockings

Puppies

Maker's Mark

Hairspray

Anne Tyler

Doris Lessing

Going bra-less to work without anyone noticing

Walking barefoot

Walking barefoot on the beach right outta bed

Pink pants

Pink cars

Pink panties

Black-&-white movies

Pasta

Julie London

Movie stars

College/university literature professors (or philosophy, pref. with accent)

Giving little gifts (&/or compliments) for no reason

Elvis Presley (naturally)

Tea-rose perfume

High heels

Girlfriends

Tom (ultimately)

and... YOU (of course!)!!

complaints on a Friday

Yes, I know it's Friday (and I know complaints are very annoying no matter what day), but I am complaining and venting, I don't know what else to write/do. I'm sorry.

Work is slow and it's making me nervous, do they need me?! What's going to happen? Ugh, such limbo. (And, a broken record.)

Went out with two girlfriends last night after work and all I could think about was The Time (i.e. What time is it? When does Tom expect me home after I call and say I'm going home? How long does he expect me to wait for the bus? Is Tom mad at me? Am I hurting his feelings?) -- a.k.a. Totally Asinine and Dumb Things To Worry About.

Also, these ladies are both much older than me, yet are far more youthful-looking and are SOooo gorgeous... And funny, and loving, and wonderful, and I love them... And then at one point, upon visiting the bathroom, I looked in the mirror -- and the light shone on every wrinkle, pore, awfulness... it was awful, I looked tired & old and awful, and I was ashamed, and then I was embarrassed at being ashamed, and then self-conscious about every fucking thing the rest of the night.

And they are doing exciting things, and I'm not. They showed photos, they have fun, they seem so exciting, and I didn't know why they always ask me along, why do they even like me... And I feel so boring like I have nothing for anyone to love me for, nothing to contribute... I feel like a dumb slobby blob.

And I'm eating too much lately, and I need to run/exercise this weekend but it's been sooo hard to get up & do it lately... I just want to eat.

I am in a Bad, Sad Mood. POOOOOp.

ridiculousness

I really want to say "piss off!" to This Week. I want to tell it to just shove-off!! Right to its face!!! And then turn my back on it and talk to someone else more important!! And buy myself a cocktail without offering it one too!!

Ok, it sucks when you wish for Friday when it's only Wednesday.

I haven't much else to write except that I may have inadvertently started fantasizing about a guy that sits by me at work. I wouldn't necessarily find him attractive if I was single; however, he has dark hair & sideburns and is a really Nice Guy, and we do exchange witty IMs all day long.

I probably only do it because/when I get bored... And he pays attention to me?... What the f&*#. I guess I have done this before too, just if I am bored and someone is nice to me... But I start walking around in this sensual-daze or something for days... just need to let it run its course, I guess...

I think I would absolutely DIE if Tom ever said such a thing to me, if he ever confessed to something like that...

And, I hate that I am doing it because it the daydreams keep going on and on and morphing into the most ridiculous, ornate situations...

Ridiculous!! Like me being available and him pining for me for ages, sitting so close! Pining and gazing upon my beauty, listening to me talk to various beaus on the phone, desperate to get me alone yet I am untouchable being a co-worker and all.... Or me going into the handicap bathroom (it has a door/room all its own) and him, desperate, following me in there, not saying a word yet locking the door and drilling holes into me with his eyes and hands... Me crying in the hallway at some tragedy and him hugging me, but oh he cannot stop! He must put his hands all over me & rip off my clothes & we make rough love against the wall!!... Or we walk up naked in bed together, and we do it again because we can't remember the night before!!... Or me, dancing in a club, suddenly locking eyes as he cannot stop himself, being drawn to me, while I am wearing something fabulously sexy and I look like N1cole K1dman or someone gorgeous, finally approaching me with hot-breath on my neck, kissing me while whispering "I really mean it"... or some such ridiculousness...

Help.

where's the news!!

In SUCH a bad mood this morning... I guess mostly due to the fact we haven't had any additional announcements/meetings yet here, and nobody knows what's going on, and I don't know what to do...

Yet, at the risk of being premature, I still applied (finally) for a few things on c'slist even though it is probably useless as I am one of SO many, and I probably would not like them anyway, and I don't want to leave this job anyway...

And everyone is in a bad mood here... and I'm having a bad-hair-day...

So as I made my way to the loo earlier, I decided to 'sashay' and hit the door open with my hip... And as I swashbuckled my way through the door via my arse, I met eyes with a passing co-worker...

He did not seem to mind.

happy weekend

My parentals are arriving from Portland this morning for a weekend visit... I know it will all be fun and fine, but still get anxious about being around them... We have some plans so as long as we keep busy should be ok, and go quickly... (I will miss my weekend alone with Tom though; poop!)

Speaking of Tom: Since his employer's cut-back so much on him, he decided it would be a good time to visit his great-aunt in Georgia. (She is getting up there in years and not doing so well; and he is very close to her, she & her late-husband practically raised him.) Travel costs are so low right now, and he wouldn't even need to use any vacation-days.

So he is planning to be away from April 8th through 14th, saving a couple days to visit an old friend in nearby Savannah.

I am feeling very odd about it... In some ways I am looking forward to some time alone, just doing what I want (though restricted of course by Guapo). But also disappointed we aren't able, financially, to go away together right now... like take a long vacation together somewhere romantic and exotic!! That is silly though.

I think I'll have to put Guapo in a doggie-day-care for a couple days, while at work, because my situation is a bit different than Tom's. (His office is close to home, and he drives. Plus he is allowed to bring Guapo to work a few days a week; all other days he drives home to walk him at lunchtime.) And, technically I only get a half-hour for lunch; that would only give me enough time to get home on BART. (Of course, most people here take off for an hour or so at lunch, and I very rarely even take a break!!)

That is going to break my heart because we haven't left him anywhere before... Though I know it is good for him to get used to it -- get used to our returning for him, get comfortable around other dogs... (After all, Tom & I will eventually take another vacation together!) We did take him for interview at a place near our 'hood, it seemed GREAT (especially their program for small dogs). I just wish I could communicate with him at first, so he will know I will be back later to get him, and help him understand!!!

Anyway, I am feeling very weird about Tom's being away so long but I don't exactly know how to put it into words... I am not necessarily scared/nervous, nor am I excited... I guess I feel a little sad!!

Now I know it is a good thing for him, of course. (And of course I have gone away myself, that long-weekend to Boston for example.) But it just seems like a long time or something to me :(

I know I complain about him sometimes, but I always feel a pretty empty whenever I'm without him, whether it be at home or elsewhere... I guess that is why I'm feeling so blue about the plans being finalized. I'm not feeling like myself today at all.

to will and not to will

Today I will do the following, but wish I would not:

- Swear an inordinate amount of times

- Embarrass myself by doing/saying something awkwardly

- Check myself in the mirror too many times

- Double-check myself in the mirror, too many times, often right out in the open

- Spend money on chips &/or cheetos even though I packed a healthy salad for lunch

- Call Tom at work to say "I just wanted to say hi" and then not know what else to say

- Work and walk too fast

Today I will not do the following, but wish I would:

- Speak authoratively & command respect

- Not worry about what people think

- Not worry about how both my face & body look

- Make someone happy

- Not do anything embarrassing (i.e. trip on way to bathroom, forget a deadline, get caught in a lie, etc.)

- Be content

- Win a pulitzer prize

happy Tuesday!

Happy Tuesday, y'all!!

I just wanted to say hi. I know, that is very boring.

Nothing exciting happened this morning yet, except for a man giving me the peace-sign in the elevator... Did I look grumpy or something?

No news on the job-front yet either, ugh. (Though this article came out, wonder if we'll go the same way?)

I don't know what else to write... That sucks.

Hmmpht! Guess I could leave with this e-mail exchange:

Tom: I just got my new camera-plus-laptop bag!

Kim: I am so proud of your organizational-urge there!

Tom: There's a dorky Nati0nal Geographic logo stitched into the top flap --but other than that it's pretty cool. 

Kim: I don't think Nati0nal Geographic is dorky...

Tom: It's dorky to be walking around with their logo on my bag!

Kim: If you're a dork already, doesn't really matter what bag you carry around.

Tom: You're the dork in the relationship.

Kim: The Dorkship called for you... he wants his dork back.

Tom: What? Are you drunk??

Kim: No, but you are if you don't know YOU are the dork in this relationship!!!

Tom: Could you pick up my dry cleaning after work?

the boredom of busyness!

I have lots of work today, yet I am SO restless!! Is it spring? :)

Well, no... But anyway! Maybe I am still awaiting that dreaded Press Release.

Yuck.

So, all day, in the meantime, I will gasp dramatically at e0nlinedotcom news, till I lose (another) three hours without knowing where they went!

I will continue my pattern of wearing the most pinkest-of-pink sweaters, those that would be horribly distasteful if I was in some English court (or perhaps, Tom's ideal living room)?

I will smile at people when I'd rather not.

I will make small-talk with people I dislike. (And smile while doing so!)

I will pick up trash that's not mine. (Stupid!)

I will hide in the bathroom when I feel shy.

I will wear shoes that hurt.

I will say flirty things when I don't mean to.

I will get nervous.

I will rush my work -- programming too fast, but yet somehow so effectively!

I will be complimented on my work by the boss!

I will re-apply my lipstick way too many times.

I will think of Tom.

I will think of Guapo.

I will daydream. (Graceland, anyone?)

I will starve myself at lunch. (And fail to at dinner.)

Ouch.

More answers!!

THANKS Jumbly!!!

Hopefully I will have something more to write about SOON. Ugh.

• What are you thinking about your nose these days? Wished you would have done it earlier, or glad it happened at this time in your life?
  I was thinking about that too... I am tempted to think: Would I have turned out better, not having endured those teasings from so early in grade-school; i.e. been more confident? But I know my nose is not the be-all-end-all of my self-esteem, that many factors besides my nose have contributed to its (my self-esteem's) demise... So I guess I DO wish I had it done earlier (god I really do!); however, it would have never been allowed by my parents, they would have never even allowed the prospect to be discussed... So, in the end, it really comes down to fate, for me -- for example, would the surgery have been so good/advanced that long ago? ... And anyway, would it have really helped at all -- I mean, it wouldn't have turned me into a completely different person, for goodness sake... I cannot help but think I am who I am now due to the entirety of my life -- and I am not defined as me just because of my freakin' nose (though there were times I felt really like it!)... I hope this doesn't sound awfully cliché, but if I don't think that, I will go crazy! (Here we go, more paraphrasing!!) :)


• What are you favorite salad toppings? dressing?
  Radishes, red cabbage, red onion, garbanzo beans, soy beans, and either cheddar or feta. As for dressing: Either bleu-cheese or red-wine vinaigrette!! Yum.


• What is your favorite cd? as in, if one got stuck in a cd player and you had to listen to it for 3 weeks, what would it be?
  Probably would have to be anything Glenn Miller, a.k.a. "moonlight Serenade"... That stuff could NEVER drive me crazy (except with longing!)

nothing yet

I don't have much to write... Ugh!!

We were in the news again this morning; sounds like we might have another meeting/press release this week... Nothing yet though.

I am at a loss for words! I guess, if you have more questions a-la last week, let me know!

Otherwise will write more in a bit. xoxoxo

sunshine

----- Original Message -----
From: "kim">
To: "Tom">
Subject: TOM!

Tom! My horoscope says "someone who is usually a source of bright sunshine in your life [which is you, Tom] is feeling a bit depressed right now -- but you need to act like you don't notice."

Is that true? are you ok...

I love you. --Kim

----- Reply -----
To: "kim">
From: "Tom">
Subject: Re. TOM!

1. I don't think that anyone, at ANY time, could ever call and/or consider me as "a source of bright sunshine".

2. And the part "you need to act like you don't notice" does NOT mean "ask them if that's true"!!!!

Tom

your answers!

• If you had to eat ONE thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?
  PASTA!!!! (well, I'd at least have to have salt&pepper, if I couldn't have olive oil or cheese or anything else with it)
  
  
• What is your tv guilty pleasure? For example, I always watch PBS.

  E-Entertainment!
  
  
• What place did you always want to travel to but haven't been able to visit?
  
Cuba... and Morocco
  
  
• who was the first boy you had a crush on?

  Andrew
  
  
• How did you wind up in a movie (you mentioned one time that you were listed on IMDB)?
  I worked with a girl who co-owned a warehouse in the (very seedy!) portion of Potrero Hill, a 'hood south of downtown SF. They often held parties, and screened cheesy 60s & 70s sci-fi flicks there too -- they would redo the whole place and setup an (illegal) bar, and it was fun even though I wasn't really into that genre, you know! It was dark and dirty and crazy and drug/alcohol-fueled... Her roommate (a very narcissistic, bearded, skinny hippy wannabe) there produced (& directed, & starred in) terrible offshoots these movies, he even wrote some books about them, and I got to be in that one because I knew her and he knew me from the parties... I think he had a bit of a crush on me but nothing ever happened of course except he got to dress me up in latex!!
  
  
• What's your idea of a perfect day?
  Taking a long drive with Tom & Guapo, stopping at each coastal place we can, meandering... with the realization hanging over me that the next few days are VACATION-DAYS and I don't have to go to work!! And Tom is in a good mood, and it's sunny out... HOWEVER, this has to tie (though I know a double-answer is a cop-out!) with heading out the door, with Tom & suitcases in hand, for a remote destination in Mexico -- we are glowing with surreal happiness, and everything is working out, and we are so happy to go with each other but still independent with each of our expectations of the tropical locale to which we're headed...
  
  
• Hi!! I always wondered what happened during the time from when you left DL to when you started our new blog here...It's OK if you don't want to get into it!
  Well, many male doctors, even today, still like to label it as "mental breakdown". (However, I don't mean to generalize; I know there are many very good, kind, intelligent male doctors out there, I even have one.)... Well, I guess you know some bits about my past, I have not always been the best person... And after meeting & falling in love with Tom I think I got pretty overwhelmed at the whole love-thing, and the whole living-with-someone situation, and trying to be worthy of him... And then something happened which was, of course, not only traumatic, but also triggered PTS from earlier incidents in my life (I won't go into details of the attacks but I'm sure you can imagine), and with some doctors terribly OVER-prescribing the most inappropriate things that really crazed-up my head, I went a bit over the edge, tried to k-- myself twice... Then went even more crazy because Tom still stayed, still loved me anyway... But finally, I went against the doctors and STOPPED those pills, and now I am back to myself. (Except we do have those monthly therapy sessions.) But: I try to feel worthier for him every day, as much as I can... but it is hard to do (and this I can only admit to you all) without sacrificing a lot -- such as peace-of-mind, and the ease at which it seems some people go through their days... Some days are better than others... I am not "on the edge" anymore, and I would NEVER EVER do that again to anyone (hurt myself) -- especially to Tom, I know I won't, but I really feel so holed-up, so caged-in sometimes, I feel like I have to watch every move, something hard for someone used to so much freedom, someone who's worked so hard for such independence, I used to have it... (This is the most extreme case of PARAPHRASING I have ever done but don't want to bore you all with such gory things! )
  
  
• What bands are you ashamed to admit you like? Mine is the Monkees, I adore them!
  I LOVE the Platters & the Beatles... I am pretty sure they are cheesy? (Also, I like "candyman" & "mercyOnMe" by C. Aguiler@... I would never be able to admit to ANYone else that I like her!!)
  
  

any questions?

I don't know what to WRITE!!!!

.... Any questions?

Ask me anything -- you can even ask me anonymously if you'd prefer!

I will be honest -- even if it is horrid!

I need to write SOMEthing...

Thanks y'all! I will compile your questions (no matter how dirty, haha!) And put something together by tomorrow.