feeling happy
I try to walk Guapo up to the park every day after work, and have been experimenting over by a fence there at taking him off his leash to pay fetch. It is pretty nerve-wracking for me because he doesn't come when you call, but he has been really good at it. And he LOVES loves running and fetching. He always brings it back to me, just watching him running his little heart out at me, his bum bouncing up in the air, carrying that in his mouth, it kills me. Last night I took the ball and ran around crazily in a circle, he followed me, we ran together for like 20 minutes all over the place, playing chase... It occurred to me in a flash, looking at his face smiling up and chasing me, wagging crazily, his tongue flapping, "I am actually feeling a true emotion at this very moment". It was happiness.
It feels weird because sometimes I don't really feel like I feel anything truly... I always try to be hopped-up on something or trying to hard or caring too much about what others think, being too self-conscious. I actually felt something, like when you are a little kid and you feel everything. Maybe this doesn't make any sense.
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I am doing my duty by going to visit my little brother and his wife over this long weekend, my niece turned two last month, so it is only right I visit once in a while. Though I hate, hate going out there, they live in a really small town in IN, very conservative and bigoted. My brother is not like that but everybody else there is. Tom says I should wear a rainbow pride t-shirt one day, and an NPR shirt the other. I think better not!!! I can't wait for it to be over. But it will be good to see them.
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I want to try & do better at posting here more, I just got so busy this last week, ugh. Wish me luck.
5 comments:
You are making total sense! It's wonderful to experience a moment of pure happiness like that instead of intellectualizing an experience or analyzing how you think you should feel. I wish you many more moments like that!
And Tom's idea is too funny.
Nice.
I understand what you mean! Maybe you need to put yourself in more situations where you can just let go, then you'll be able to feel that way again. I'm sure you'll do just fine on your trip. And you know that we'll be here waiting for you :)
I hope you had a decent visit with the fam.
xo.
It makes sense. You let go enough to just feel the feelings that came up. We should all do that more often.
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