my first love

Elvis. I love him like he was a person I once knew really well. I love him not like a person I actually know now... Not like a lover, or like my husband, or even like a friend. I love him like I love things about childhood.

I love him like I love romance.

I cannot hardly look at old photos of him, I can hardly listen to his voice, it is almost to the point where I flip past his songs when they come on my iPod. I love his eyes, his nose, his lips, his hair, OH how I love his hair, his sideburns, his bangs... I love his voice, OH his deep, shy voice... It makes me shiver.

When I was younger I had everything about him, I read everything and had every photo, every book about him, old records I couldn't play just because they had his picture. I know all sorts of details about him, about his life. I know all sorts of crazy minute things...

When I was little I had such a hard time of it, I just immersed myself in him. Later, when things got worse, especially with men, I just thought about him all the time in my head as my 'true love'.

When I got older, I went to Graceland about once a year, sometimes twice (I have been 13 times). Every time I go I stay at the Peabody, and I go to Sun Studio, and I drive to Tupelo to see where he was born. I have been to his high school, I've seen the house where he was born, I've been to the hardware store where he bought his first guitar. I touched the very microphone he first recorded on. I met the man who first made his clothes.

I first went because I loved him, and then the yearly pilgrimage became something else, something that just made me feel better. I had a bad time of it? Someone broke up with me? Something bad happened? I simply took a four day weekend.

I know he had a hard time of it as he got more famous and older (I could go into all the reasons for this but I won't). I am faithful to him all the way through.

I cannot really explain it, how he gives me the shivers, like he is someone if I actually saw in real life I would be embarrassed just for being me. I wouldn't want to date him, I'd just want to look at him.

I know this sounds crazy!

Anyway, I haven't been in 11 years, since I met Tom. I want to go back to Memphis but I don't want to go with Tom, I'd want to go again by myself. And I cannot explain this to Tom. There is no way I'd ever be able to explain it... I don't know if I'll ever get back.