adjusting for the new year(s)

I know I have hit up on this a few times before, but it is increasingly stressed upon me how different things are relating to people now that I'm older.

First, it is hard for me to adjust to NOT having every conversation with every guy overshadowed by sex. (Even every woman, but in a different way.) It was always like that when I was younger and growing up, every man I talked to, every teacher, professor, co-worker, boss, 'friend', acquaintance, even family-friends -- sex would be hanging in the air... it would ALWAYS be there in the background... No matter what I said, or what conversation was taking place, it was like flirting, and 'sex' was there.

No matter how many times I thought someone was being genuine with me, it would end up with him trying to get in my pants. EVERY SINGLE TIME. And there was the rape. And there was the professor I looked up to... I slept with so many men I cannot even count due to my insecurities. I would think "this time is different" and they would still end up having had sex on their mind the whole time.

Now, in my 40s, I am not as attractive. I have become practically invisible. Men don't talk to me the same way and it is hard to adjust to. I don't even know if they look at me when they are talking to me.

At work, I think they might actually just be dismissing me sometimes when I talk. And if I talk to much, I could be seen as a 'bitch'.

It's a weird feeling.

As far as women, they used to treat me differently too (except for my dear, good & true few girlfriends). They would hardly talk to me but now they hardly talk to me in a different way, they dismiss me, like I am hardly worth the time.

I know I am supposed to like this now, I am supposed to enjoy the "freedom" of getting older and not caring what I look like anymore, but I am still on the cusp and things are still hard for me. I cannot seem to adjust yet.

What do you do when much of your identity/self-worth was built upon how pretty you were, and now you're not anymore? How you used to get jobs, how you used to have confidence, how your husband first saw you, how you used to meet people and try new things, and go new places, and how you used to have a social life? How even when you were in elementary school, strange men would stop along the street and try to pick you up? How do you relate to people now when they don't even look at you anymore and you know you shouldn't care about that kind of thing and you always knew it wasn't important, but now somehow it is again, and things are so strange and you have no confidence anymore?