clumsy

Tom gets mad and I never know if he is mad at something else or at me... It is usually something else but when it is me I never know what I did, I am so oblivious sometimes.

Like this weekend, we woke up Sunday and he was fuming because he doesn't want to go back to work this week. It stresses him so much. So I just tried to do everything I could but he didn't say ONE WORD to me for hours. I was so self-conscious. The only time he talked to me ALL DAY was when all of a sudden he shouted that my socks had holes in them. He said he saw me walking and I looked like a homeless person, because there were holes in my socks that showed while I was walking.

So he said we were going to Macy's so I could buy new socks. I was cuddling Guapo the whole time so it helped me ignore the fact that Tom did not speak to me the whole 10-minute ride there except when we got there he said "I'll take him" (about Guap) while I went inside.

So I was looking at socks and I thought I would start crying but I just kept it together, and got outside finally, I hurried as fast as I could.

Finally we got home and Tom told me to throw out my old socks and that was it, he didn't talk to me for a while until later when he wanted to look up a movie on Netflix. so we were looking that up on the TV and he was having trouble finding something, so I brought out my laptop to help, I was trying to look up movies and I found a couple and I said "here's something, should I read the synopsis to you" and he shouted "NO!" and then I died a little. And then I was so mad I thought I should say something, so I said "You don't have to yell at me like that I was just trying to help" though I was scared how he would talk to me... and I was right.

He shouted "jessus christ I am sorry I said 'no' but I meant you should read it to me, just read it to me dammit -- you have been annoying me all weekend"....

So I did and he started looking those up on the TV (we have the apple tv thingy) and while he did that I went to the bathroom and discreetly cried and tried to cry without messing up my makeup so I could go back without him noticing that I was crying.

I know I didn't do anything to be "annoying" but it it still hurtful to be told that after how hard I try to make him happy. He apologized the next morning, but all he said was "I was in a bad mood, I'm sorry I yelled"... but it doesn't make up for the fact that the "annoying" thing is stuck in my head... just like it always is when he says anything mean like that... It just makes me more self-conscious and clumsy.

Thanks for listening. I know I didn't do anything wrong but I feel so down today. I feel like I am some kind of clumsy stupid idiot who can't do or say anything right.