disappearing act

Oh I had a nice time this weekend, because I have always love preparing for people, whether they be family or other guests...

I love cooking for others, for one -- I love preparing, shopping for different ingredients, planning, etc. (IF I have time to do it properly, of course!)

And though I HATE cleaning (and I get SO stressed fitting-in the preparations all week around work) I love the moment when they arrive and there are extravagantly-prepared dishes & ingredients all ready for easy heating or prepping when dinnertime comes.

And I can greet them at the door, fully outfitted & made-up & perfumed, looking like it was NOTHING, like I have been lounging-about all lovely and it was really no work at all. I just happened to 'Throw It Together'. It was 'nothing'. Really.

And this weekend was like that -- my dinner was fawned upon, I was complimented all over the place... But just for a bit. Then the interest was lost.

This is what it is like in every aspect of my life. Similarly, I do the same thing every day -- every morning I spend hours exercising and getting ready, doing my hair and makeup and shaving my legs and plucking and filing and exfoliating...

Just so I can show up anywhere like "This is how I always am!!" It was no trouble! Nothing at all.

But it I am losing it, I think... I am starting to notice Tom losing any care/interest at all.

It's not fair!! I am so busy taking G. out to poop and cleaning up his hair and doing the laundry and the floors and the dusting and carpet and dishes and bathrooms etc. AND paying the mortgage & cards & bills on the computer, and running for his dry-cleaning and food, and staying THIN, and giving blow-jobs on cue... and doing a good job at everything... AND I have a new job coming up!

And I think he does not much notice me anymore because i am not really in the room.

But, help! I can't do everything!! I am not really boring, sometimes I think "remember me WHEN!" you know? I want to dress up all the time, goddammit, I used to, for crissakes!! I want to be scratched and rubbed just like the dog has been... I want to be congratulated on things sometimes, like new jobs, etc. Is it because the dog is new to us? Is it because I am ugly now? I don't know.

I feel like I am disappearing again.

I think he does love me? I know it. I know I am being VERY selfish. But I am so depressed today.